REMEMBER:  samples are good but not perfect; they are not templates; the assignment may have changed slightly.  My comments are in green.


From thesis statement assignment

Too short: “Indicators of success in early stage startups, and how they can be utilized.” Needs a bit of work, but something along those lines.

BP: Actually this statement needed a lot of work.....  It wasn't actually a statement, just a couple of prepositional phrases and a dependent clause.  And the word HOW leads to informing, not persuading.

 

 

From draft report

Too long: This paper attempts to discuss the possibility of predicting the success of a high-tech start-ups by analyzing some of the most successful high-tech companies in the past 40 years, picking out possible patterns in the models that the companies began with (e.g. number of founders, location), and considering how these patterns may have led to the success that the said companies saw. Then, switching to a more practical approach, the question of whether the patterns can be used as a model for future venture capital investment is considered.

 BP:  Okay, better.    BUT at a whopping 86-ish words, this TS is waaaaaaaaaaay too long.  And it's spread out, too.

Long sentences can be okay if they're balanced with shorter sentences.  But this writer isn't even out of the gate yet, so imagine how long the sentences got when they were explaining complex ideas.  Even a long sentence shouldn't be more than 45-60 words and, again only if balanced with shorter sentences.


From final report

Just right! Because critical similarities exist among 16 of the most successful high-tech start-ups, a model can be established that investors should consider in determining investment risk. 

Last modified: Sunday, 20 November 2022, 8:19 PM