In this section, we will learn about compassion and how to develop a more compassionate, encouraging inner speech alongside the inner self-critical voice. Compassionate inner speech can balance the self-criticism that we easily express in our minds. You can compare the example of inner speech in the following video with the self-critical inner speech in the previous section.



Compassion, as a term, is familiar to most people. It is kindness, warmth and understanding towards other people – in the face of mistakes and failures. So, what is self-compassion, then? It is about applying the same understanding to yourself. So instead of strict self-criticism and harsh judgment, we offer ourselves support when we fail and face difficulties. Self-compassion is manifested by being kind and appreciative of ourselves; we take care of ourselves without judgment.

American psychologist Kristin Neff has studied self-compassion extensively for the past twenty years, and she is known as a pioneer of self-compassion. According to Neff, self-compassion shows itself in three different ways in difficult situations:

  1. Noticing and accepting your own feelings and thoughts
  2. Self-kindness: how do you treat yourself when you encounter difficulties, or when you become aware of your own weaknesses, or find flaws in yourself? Accepting that I am not perfect and flawless, and that’s ok!
  3. Let's recognize that difficult emotions are universal and common to all people - there is nothing wrong with us if we are, for example, anxious or make mistakes. Others are not flawless either, and they don't have to be!

Self-compassion often manifests itself as gentle and caring behavior towards oneself. But if necessary, it is also a tougher behavior, for example in situations where you are trying to defend yourself or motivate change. Self-compassion does not elevate oneself above others, but reinforces the idea that imperfection is normal.

Self-criticism is usually activated in situations where we perceive something as threatening. In order to use a more compassionate inner voice, we need to find ways to make ourselves feel safe. In self-compassion exercises, safety and gentleness towards oneself can be awakened by breathing, a pleasant touch, a change in position, mental images or different phrases.

Try at least two of the following exercises, the first of which is to evoke self-compassion with words and the second with the image of a compassionate friend. In the third, in metta meditation, one practices kind and compassionate intention. If we practice compassionate intention, that is, the will to treat ourselves with compassion, it is easier to find compassion also in real-life situations when it is especially needed. Which of these works best for you?


Self-compassion break (12 minutes)



Compassionate friend (15 minutes)

 (in English)


If you are Finnish-speaker, you can try this version instead:


Metta-meditation


Loving-Kindness meditation by Kristin Neff (audio) 
 (in English)

Metta in Finnish: 


Once you’ve completed the exercise, you can ponder the following:

1. When you are faced with a challenge, how would you want yourself to deal with it?

2. Take a moment to think about your life from early childhood to old age. Each and every day you have an internal dialogue with yourself. What would you like that dialogue to be like?


Compassion for self-criticism

In the previous section, we already explored different types of self-criticism. In the next exercise, we will try to investigate what kind of need behind self-criticism is affecting you. Afterwards, you can do this exercise any time in the future, when you notice that self-criticism is awakening. Through the exercise, you can find a new perspective on your own self-criticism. Usually, the self-critic tries to be of help to us, although almost always its means don't work.

In the next exercise, we try to examine what need(s) may be driving your self-criticism. You can do this exercise anytime you notice self-criticism raising its head. Alternatively, you can think about something that you often criticise yourself for.

- First notice the presence of self-criticism. How does it feel?

- Try to awaken your self-compassionate state of mind in whatever way suits you.

- Turn to your self-criticism and engage in a dialogue with it:

  • What does your self-critical voice wish to accomplish? 
  • What bad things could happen if the critical voice was not warning you?
  • What does the self-critical voice want you to do differently?
  • Ask your self-criticism to tell you clearly and constructively what it would like you to learn or do otherwise.

- On the basis of your dialogue, assess from a self-compassionate viewpoint whether your self-criticism provided some helpful feedback for you. If yes, accept that feedback with compassion.

- Finally, thank your self-critical state of mind and stop the exercise.

(This exercise was adapted from Ronnie Grandell’s book Itsemyötätunto (Tammi, 2015).)


Ways to show compassion towards yourself

Self-compassion can be shown in quite a variety of ways. In the attached list you will find examples of what kind of actions can be expressions of compassion for yourself. 

  • Taking care of your body: physical exercise, sufficient rest and nutrition are ways to show compassion towards yourself.
  • Allowing your thoughts to come and go. Try to let your thoughts be as they are – you do not need to cling to any of the thoughts you can just let them be.
  • Acceptance of emotions: our emotions communicate our needs to us, which means that even unpleasant feelings are useful. However, emotions are not always easy to accept, so we may want to keep them away. Facing your emotions and accepting them is something that can be practised. Even the unpleasant emotions are tolerable when you give yourself permission to face your feelings as they are.
  • Connecting with other people: you can be kind to yourself by spending time with people whom you genuinely enjoy being with. Sharing ideas and emotions with others deepens our personal relationships. When we become compassionate towards ourselves, we can grow more compassionate towards other people, too.
  • Doing things that have value for us: kindness towards yourself also means doing things that are meaningful and important to you personally.

Food for thought:

  • How do you already show kindness and compassion towards yourself?
  • What kinds of new ways could you try? What could be a small concrete change you could make as a first step?
Viimeksi muutettu: maanantaina 8. tammikuuta 2024, 14.42