Do you believe that criticising yourself will help you perform better? Do you scold yourself harshly if you fail at something?  Unlike what we often think, self-criticism does not lead to success in the long run; on the contrary, it often makes us experience feelings of shame and failure, thus also making us afraid of taking on challenges.

Self-compassion helps us better notice our own difficult emotions and provides us with tools for dealing with these emotions. This increases our well-being and provides us with more resources to do the things we want. Self-compassion is comprised of three areas:

• kindness and a warm regard towards oneself when experiencing difficult emotions and suffering
• an experience that difficulties and suffering are a part of humanity and that others experience the same emotions
• accepting, conscious presence and making observations on one's personal experiences as they are

self-compassion is a skill that can be developed A few exercises to strengthen self-compassion (adapted from the book Kristin Neff: Self-Compassion – the Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself):

A compassionate gesture

Try if you can find a bodily gesture that you can use to show warmth and compassion to yourself. You can put your hand on your heart and peacefully feel the warmth of your hand and movement of your breathing. Or you can give yourself a hug. Take your time in exploring how you feel. This exercise may seem funny, but a touch (even when directed at yourself) releases oxytocin and helps you feel safety, warmth and compassion.

Making observations on internal speech

1. Stop to make observations on your internal speech. Pay attention to what your inner voice is saying in situations that are difficult to you. Pay attention to how you are critical toward yourself, e.g. thoughts such as 'I am lazy' or 'I am hopelessly careless'.
2. Try if you can kindly soften your inner critic, for instance, by saying in your mind 'I know I use criticism in trying to help myself to perform better, but the criticism makes me feel miserable.'
3. Try if you can say something understanding and encouraging in your mind, as if to a close friend, for example 'I understand that you feel lazy, but your time and energy just was not enough to get everything you wanted in this situation.'

Compassionate mental image:

1. Sit comfortably and create a mental image for yourself of a pleasant, peaceful place. For example, the place can be a seashore, forest or some other beautiful place outdoors. Imagine what that place looks, feels, smells and sounds like. Let the peaceful feeling get deeper.
2. Next, imagine a friendly, warm and compassionate figure. This figure may be a real person or a fully imaginary figure. The compassionate figure can also be completely abstract, e.g. a white light. Try to create a mental image of this kind and compassionate figure as vividly as possible.
3. If you feel any kind of suffering or discomfort, you can think what comforting and friendly words this figure would say to you. Create a mental image of the voice of the compassionate figure and the emotions it conveys.
4. Let go of the mental image and focus on sensing what your breathing and body now feels like.

Mindfulness

Practising mindfulness helps you to develop compassion towards yourself. Mindfulness involves practising a state where all emotions are allowed. This is practised by paying attention to how things are experienced. It does not entail analysing, but instead observing experiences as they are. For example, you can find mindfulness exercises at the Self-compassion website.

References and further reading:

Christopher Germer (2009): The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion. Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions.

Paul Gilbert (2009): The Compassionate Mind: A New Approach to Life's Challenges

Kristin Neff (2011): Self- Compassion – the Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself